Today we went to an open house in old walkerville. The house is across from willistead park but it did not fit us at all… just walking into it we knew it wasn’t the right house for us. It was huge, had a lot of stairs. The attic/loft was interesting although at the same time spooky. The backyard wasn’t that great - I liked another house’s backyard that we saw on Saturday much better. Truthfully, I could see us living in the house we saw on saturday…. it was priced high, and needs some major improvements (the furnace and the main bathroom) but we are thinking of making a low-ball offer to see what will come of it.
We also went across to detroit to the zen centre. This was my first time there, although S. was there once before, but years ago.
We walked in and were greeted by smiling youthful faces… one of the students helped show us the proper way to sit on the meditation pillows/mats. The main zen buddhist monk, a woman, I don’t remember her name - came in after some time and then we did a 10 minute long meditation without any instruction as to how to do it at first.. that was interesting. I kept feeling like I was doing it wrong - I didn’t know what to do with my eyes or if my hands were positioned correctly — and I felt tension in my back. After the first meditation we stood up and bowed and then walked around the meditation room in circles for a bit, with our fists clenched around our thumbs and our palms turned slightly out…. we bowed again and were explained the proper way to meditate..
We were shown the different ways we could position our feet, where to place our hands (at the level of our navels) right hand underneath the left - thumbs pointing together to form an egg shape
- how to visualize our lower back and spine and neck, where to put our tongue in our mouth, how to focus on breathing..
then we did some prostrations - these were a bit difficult at first only because of the lower back problems I’ve been having lately… after 3 of them, they felt much more comfortable.. we chanted ‘ma om’ (great mind) and then we sat again and talked - introduced ourselves to one another…
it was a great experience and I felt much more peaceful after it. After the first meditation, I was able to actually keep my focus on my posture and I tried my best to let the thoughts that went through my mind, come and then go.
The zen centre has a raw food cafe in the basement of it, but we needed to get back to windsor to be home in time to bathe Mia and put her to sleep.
I am using a term I learned in my introduction to research methods in communications class.
S. went to visit a friend and after cuddling with Mia and tickling her on the floor, I played the tambourine for her for a bit and she’s really into it. I picked it up at Michael’s, and it has a goldfish painted on the front… she’s captivated by the little percussion discs, their noise, and the goldfish :D after that I built some towers and houses out of her wooden blocks and we took turns crashing them with our foot. Then we walked around the apartment - me holding her hands (she won’t walk any other way yet, and seldom one handed) but she stood up twice from a crouching/squatting position when she was sitting on my legs… she had this huge grin on her face as she slowly got up into a standing position - it was like she was watching to see what I’d do/say.. she stood for quite some time and I was smiling the whole time, and saying ‘yayyyyyyyyy’ then she sat back down on her bum and I said “bravvvvvvo Mia!” - she will often say ‘bah-vohhhh” about the things he does as soon as she does them… (when she’s dancing, or after a clapping game its really funny)… then we danced around (first some flying lotus (from a raw cartoons album) then detka! detka! detka! by the brian jonestown massacre then to this mortal coil (the two songs that were actually part of my birthing playlist - that I remember exactly when I listened to them the day I was labouring with her!) [I was on mine and S.’s bed in his room in his parents house… I was laying on my side and S. was massaging my lower back and whispering something to me that I absolutely did not even hear because I was in another place altogther…]
everytime I hear those two songs, I remember that day when it all started to finally happen. We were waiting for that day once the reality of the fact that what was growing in my stomach would one day actually, come out.
so then it was bath time and she looked around as if to say “where is dad?” but I think she remembers (maybe?) the week S. was on afternoons and I was bathing her everynight… I think that because I started singing this song called “a very cellular song” by the incredible string band to her while I bathed her.. and I remember my mom sang that song to me when I was really young (my first memories) when she’d bathe me.. so I guess I’ve started a tradition or something. I am even singing the words all wrong but I sing them anyways.. its actually a pretty trippy song…
I’ll have to post the lyrics if I remember to look them up….
….
after putting her to bed I began aimlessly searching the internet and got more and more lost in it clicking links and what started as a simple etsy search for hairbands, turned into me reading about some celebrity’s red carpet dress… and I found out that the female character from the Harry Potter series just cut her hair into a pixie…. what news.
… I think this was my best effort at writing in here so far.
I know the difference between healthy food and unhealthy food… yet I quite often forget to eat or it comes last on my list of priorities…
so often Mia will see me eat and want what I am eating or rather to play with what I am eating, because I often only eat after I have set her up and helped her to eat..
or it just gets messy trying to eat and grab her in a nick of time before she yanks down the floor lamp or something like that…
these sound like excuses - I guess they are, and poor ones at that. I know if I made an effort, I could (as all mothers do) get her fed and myself fed yadda yadda yadda …. but I didn’t put in the effort, for a super long time and now I’m weak, and falling apart bit by bit from my own stupidity and lack of better time management.
This morning I actually ate breakfast though!
I had cream of wheat (without cream, the name is deceiving its actually quite bland “healthy tasting” stuff), a glass of milk - a multi vitamin, a vit D, and a scoop of protein powder, 1/3 scoop of greens+ powder, 1/4 of a banana and a vanilla yogurt cup - all blended up together.
I had 1 and a half coffees… coffees are really a point of weakness for me - I have been living off mostly coffees for some time now.. (I sound like an absolute idiot I’m sure, but it just didn’t really occur to me how little of pretty much everything I’ve been eating lately) and then I’d have a few days where I’d eat better but it was never consistent..
for good measure, I am still going to get my blood tested and an overall physical.. as soon as I can figure out which doctor I will go see (since my family doctor is negligent and old school and of zero help always)
… didn’t I say I wouldn’t write about what I had for breakfast haha! and I am.
:[
its only to document how dumb I’ve been in not taking care of my body.
now watch this!
its pretty great :)
[I found out about this fellow in my comm. theory class]
so, because there is, I guess, a slew of new people who didn’t know about this “blog” of mine beforehand, and now do - I feel a bit worried I’ll start to censor myself so I’ll just pretend like no one reads this, like before.
I’m starting to realize I have two very conflicting aspects of my personality… on one hand I’m a very open person, on the other hand I’m very private and kind of suspicious of everyone. Maybe I’m just a bit crazy ? :)
I really don’t want this blog to be about what I ate for breakfast or only about my daughter.. she is an absolutely wonderful part of my life - but I’m trying to make sure I still have a sliver of the old Ivana left so that I can always work on her and go back to her..
in any case, because of the fact that I have those two conflicting aspects I mentioned above, I may start writing and keep writing for some time then one day decide I’m going to delete it all and never write in here again..
I did this once with actual journals…. and old letters… I put several years worth of writing into a black garbage bag and left it in the alley behind my parents house for the garbage collectors to pick up…
and then I regretted it after and still today because it’d probably be pretty interesting to read how my brain functioned when I was 11, 12, 13, 14…
…..
I kinda feel like its pretty stupid to even write in here. My thoughts/feelings are pretty insignificant in the bigger picture - my thoughts/feelings are even pretty formulaic at times depending on the phase of the moon. hahaha
but I often find it difficult to find a reason/point to many things in life…
so, anyways.. we’re going to the zen centre on sunday.. I’m really looking forward to that. Yesterday I had a huge panic attack just waiting for the bus.. I think it had to do with a lot of things. Not eating breakfast, being in a rush, feeling bad about leaving Mia for the whole day (she knew I was leaving, started to protest and reached out her arms for me to take her), feeling self conscious of how I look, worrying about finishing my degree and then what I will do with it afterwards, feeling crappy about the state of a few of my friendships with people, and the fact that the traffic on the street was making me dizzy…
so I began to listen to Tony Scott’s Music for Zen Meditation, on my husbands ipod…
I thought we had a solid friendship. I thought we’d be friends even when we were old ladies. What on earth happened to that?
I feel depressed looking at photos of us from the past.. if only I knew then that you were the type of person to just stop giving a shit about another person and never return their messages… just turn your back on them as if they meant nothing…
I cannot wait till I am done this god foresaken degree which has taken me the length of at least a masters degree if not a PhD… and I’m still chugging away at a freaking bachelor degree…
I sincerely hope I can pass down my wisdom to my daughter and she doesn’t make the same mistake I did…
I’d tell her - if you don’t know what you want to study in college/university — think about it FIRST. Don’t just go in and take courses from all the various fields thereby wasting time/energy getting increasingly more anxious and down on yourself as to what the hell you are actually trying to accomplish…
and once you find your niche - whatever faculty it may be —- go full speed ahead! if you have doubts, talk to advisers, councellors, YOUR PARENTS.. they are there to HELP YOU.
do not be like your mother and change your major 5 million times only to settle back on one of two programs you were originally accepted into..
on an unrelated (sort of) note —— I got a short short haircut, being inspired by a haircut that Diablo Cody had… I like it, but maybe its in my head, maybe not —- I feel like everyone is constantly looking at me and snickering at how short it is…
I’ve been told several times I can pull of short hair really well, but I just feel ridiculously self conscious…. and post partum hair loss is still an on-going problem for me, 14 months after having my daughter! I am making an appointment to see my family doctor and rule out a thyroid problem…
